Grace.C

the past week wasnt a very nice week for me. it started when i got back my first assignment result for writing media text, i screwed it badly. the whole week i was thinking about it, it keep on haunting me and last night, i had a dream about another subject, i got even lower marks for that assignment than what i got for this. i have always have the same question pondering in my mind, from the point i started my course in KDU until now, is Mass Comm really for me? Ive been asking myself many many countless times, since two years ago, and then it stop for a while until i finish KDU and before i came here i thought about it before. should i change to another course? i dont know. if i really should change, what is it suppose to be? i dont know too! and because of what happen with my assignment here, this question came back attacking me for the past few days. Ive always asked in meetings, what should one do if they are not sure what they are interested in? and i always get the same answer, just keep on doing what you're doing, dont stop and not do anything. i took that advice, i kept moving, i didnt stop, but does that mean that im on the right track? what if im not meant to be in mass comm? should i continue staying and just screw the rest of my degree? and then, another thought came by, im already in my 2nd year of my degree, isnt it too late to think about it now? yea! i thought so. even when i was in KDU i thought it was too late to change my course, and now that im thinking bout it, of course it's worst if i were to change my course now. so, that's why, ive been holding on with what im doing for the past 2 years plus, just because i thought 'it's too late'.
apart from that, there is so much fundamental darkness that im facing lately. procrastinating, laziness, increasing bad eating habit, peer preasure, not being interesting enough, not having enough wisdom, shallow knowledge in everything, and lately i was being labled as 'lost in the world'. i know there are more people outside who is suffering ten times or 20 times than what im going through now, and that i shouldnt be complaining about things. but that's how i felt deep inside. sigh...
ive been so busy with things lately- studies, homeworks, assignments, work, meetings, more meetings, and recently sign up for jacaranda, so more more meetings starting in may, friends asking me out but i kept rejecting, and the list goes on. i think im going through what i wished to go through when i was in msia. each prayer of mine back then was for me to be able to experience hardships because hardships is the nutrient for growth. and guess what? my prayers has been answered! sounds really ambivalent, but that's what i prayed for. so its either i'll lose here and keep losing for the next two years and back to msia as a loser who went oversea to become a loser, OR, i move on, re-new my determination, chant more to get back my hope and have self-discipline so that i'll have a consistent rhythm of what i should do everyday. and yes, ive decided upon the 2nd choice of course. this post came after 1 hr of daimoku. i told myself, today is a brand new day, it's 11.47 am now, i woke up at 10am this morning amazingly, usually i wake up after 12pm. today i will go back on track, today i will be positive, today i will be strict on myself and today would be the changing point of my slacken life.

one of my favourite gosho-
"suffer what is there to suffer, enjoy what is there to enjoy, regard both suffering and enjoyment as facts of life and continue chanting Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo no matter what"