Crossroad

Recently I've resume in thinking about my future. Why I say resume is because I've been thinking about it all along, and now I'm back to it, only seriously this time. I haven't got much time left before I graduate. In fact, my deadline is way earlier than that, in August. Each time I think about it, I would tell myself "I'll see how it goes." I'm well aware that this is not the right way to do it. I should instead really THINK about it and consider every aspect that would contribute to my decision. Well, I did. I really did. In fact I know what is going to happen if I choose A or if I choose B. I know what are the consequences of each option, be it negative or positive, it's all in my head. But so what if I know everything? The problem is I'm still at the crossroad. Knowing where A would lead me to as well as B would lead me to, I still don't know where should I continue walking. Why some people know exactly what they want? Why some people have everything well-planned out? I guess I'm just not one of them. I've spoken to a lot of people, get views and opinions. I really appreciate that. At times, I get the I-just-don't-understand-why-is-it-so-hard-for-you-to-make-such-a-simple-decision look from them. But I totally understand where they are coming from. If I were to switch role, I think I would feel that way too. All I can say that it's more than what it seems to be and I wouldn't be able to tell what it is unless we've been through the same thing. It's just like how you would describe the super fantastic taste of Chee Cheong Fan to a person. Now matter how hard you try explaining in words, this person will never know how it taste without trying one himself. Or a more widely used example - Explaining an elephant to a blind man. He would never know how exactly an elephant looks like without seeing one.

I sent my mum a hand-made Birthday card. It's a simple one. I just got off the phone with her about an hour ago. She said she received it yesterday, so wanted to call me but decided not to because she couldn't stop sobbing after reading my message. =p Sometimes I find it really hard to express my love to her, especially with spoken words. So I resort to writing. Anyway, halfway through our conversation, I could feel that her voice has started to change a little and before I know it she asked for hang up. Reminds me so much of 2006. HeHe.
And about a week ago, she told me aunty Vivs' sons brought their mum out for movie and invited her along. She appreciate the invitation and said that 'when Grace comes home, I'm going to ask her to bring you too." A few days later, I met Jerrick and Derrick online, I thank them for doing so. One of them said, "Oh, it's okay, I just thought that your mum would feel bored since both of you are not here. And since I'm bringing my mum, may as well bring your mum as well, since they are such good friends."

Spoke to Ah Gor two days ago. He understand totally how I feel. He knows me the best in the family. I even ask my dad to consult him if there are any queries and doubts about my plan for next year. LOL!

Lastly, I resolved to strenghten and increase my daimoku. I wanna make a wise decision. In order to do that, I need to manifest the Buddha wisdom in myself.

Right now, the only thing that I wish for is my comforting shoulder to lie on. =")