Working Hard

I can't believe it has been two months since I started working! One more month before my probation ends. My company have released two catalogues that I created so far and currently I'm working on the third catalogue which will be called "HOT Sizzling Summer Sale" catalogue. LOL! My director, Ruben have been chanting "hot, hot, hot" each time he looks into my computer screen for the past two days. I must say that I'm quite happy with my current role, in fact, the longer I work the more I feel that this position is the one I've been chanting for. Everything in my current role falls exactly into what I was praying for during my 4 month long unemployment - a company that appreciate the little skills that I have, a position that I can contribute and learn as much as I can, a great working environment with lots of opportunities for me to grow and create value, and most important of all a company that values me as a person without discrimination. I amazed how by the little skills that I have, I can contribute so much. Also, I'm very thankful that my bosses are really providing me with a lot of opportunities to learn and training me in various areas in the company from marketing, admin, accounts to sales. I deeply appreciate them for hiring me in the first place even though I've got nothing much to offer. Seriously, sometimes I wonder, if I missed this job offer in the first place would I be able to get another job at all. Haha... that's how low my self-esteem is.

In terms of workplace environment, in the beginning I find it extremely hard to communicate with my colleagues. It's really hard to blend into their conversation when they have known each other for a long time and know what's happening in their life and such. At times, when I walk pass my colleagues, I look at them with a blank face, not knowing what to say. You can imagine how awkward it is when that happens so many times in a day! Plus the fact that most of them are locals and speak their own jokes and slang and most of the time I don't understand and just pretend to laugh along. I did that because I was so conscious of myself that I want people to think that I understand and is blending in but the truth fact is I'm not even close to that. I spent a lot of time thinking what to say to impress others, or thinking what to do to make myself look confident but not realizing that the more I do that, the more I'm losing my self confidence. So ended up, I just keep to myself most of the time. I realise that I need to open up myself more. There is this little voice in my head that tells me to try harder everyday. I've been reading two books lately, making use of the time that I have in the bus every morning and really trying to put what I read into practice. "Not being overly self-conscious, we can strive wholeheartedly and enjoy deep interactions with others." When I understood that and start to make efforts to just be myself, to improve my communication skills but at the same time not being someone else but myself, I could feel that things starts to get better and better. When I don't understand a joke, I throw them a puzzle look and ask what they meant so now they get that I'm a bit slow in getting jokes and they'll explain to me. And I felt good after that! Also, with prayers, I feel things happen naturally to help my development. Say for instance, this colleague of mine whose age almost like my dad, I just can't find things in common to talk to him, but because he just came back from Thailand and was fascinated by their culture, he started asking me if I know anything about Thai Buddhism. I said I'm not but I went on and talk about my Buddhism instead! On another occasion, again, another colleague of mine working at the workshop whom I don't find anything in common, just one fine morning when I casually asked how is he doing, and just on top of his head he told me he is going through a separation with his wife and was feeling totally crap. Then, I started a short conversation with him and soon I find more things to talk to him. I believe these are all oppportunities created for me to create value and I certainly am learning more and more about the art of communicating. Everyday is a challenge for me, a challenge to see if I can breakthrough with just a simple "Hi, how are you" out of formality and keep quiet after that, or to ask "how are you, how was your weekend? oh, you went to Chaddy? What? There was a sale? My god, how can I not know! What did you bought? Oh, nice! and bla bla bla..... ; )